Sunday, January 18, 2009

getting back in the swing of things

I'm not very good at posting on these things. I want to, I mean to, I just don't. I am really trying to get better about it though.

I have so many things going through my head and my life. I am struggling with PCOS and can't seem to get better control of it. I want a baby so badly and it hurts so much I can barely stand the hurt. I don't know how to describe the pain that I feel in my heart. I go to church and there a 5 + women that are pregnant or holding babies in their arms. The children that I teach every day are the age that my child would be if I was able to get pregnant when we started. I would have a toddler right now. It's a painful thought. What would the baby look like? Would his/her eyes be brown or green? Would it be a boy or a girl? How much longer will I have to long with empty arms?

I've lost 20 pounds but can't seem to get the last 20 off. I'm stuck and I'm frustrated about it. PCOS is worse the more you weigh and so it means a lot to me to loose this weight. But life happens and I go to McDonald's instead of going home and eating the salad I know I should be eating. I feel guilty the whole time. I think to myself, if you really wanted a baby you wouldn't be doing this. You don't want a baby badly enough, because you would have one if you really meant it.

My mom is having health problems and that is making my life difficult. I am talking to her a lot more than normal. I love my mom, but have learned that less is more. I have found that they are disappointed in some of the choices that Brandon and I have made and they made that clear over the Christmas holidays. Merry freakin' Christmas. Stress is not good for people with PCOS either. It seems that nothing is.

It feels like the more I learn about PCOS the more that I have to give up. No chocolate, no caffeine, no sugar... the list goes on. As I continue to eliminate things I gain hope only to loose it when I don't get pregnant...again. Why bother, I wonder. What am I doing all of this for? Will it really make a difference? So far I'm not seeing it. But then I think that it's my fault because I must not be doing it right. And the vicious cycle continues.

So, it's 2009 and I still have so much that I want to change. I guess that is normal but I'm tired of not being perfect... ;)

Courtney, can't wait to spend more time talking and helping each other grow! Maybe we can pick out a book when you come to visit? What do you think? :)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Monday, November 10, 2008

one year older and freshly inked

I turned 26 on the 29th of October. I was a really fun day. My husband got that day off and I was able to also. We spent the whole day together and just hung out. He took me to downtown Birmingham and I got my first tattoo. :) I was afraid that it would be really painful but it wasn't that bad at all. It's a tribal turtle that means Strength, long life & perseverance, Considered by many to be able to defy death. Besides the fact that I've always been a turtle person and have been collecting them for years, I was really happy with all of the symbolism. It's really great looking and I am so happy with it. I knew that once I found what I wanted that I would be happy with it, but I though I would never find it. I'll have to post some pictures soon. :)

We have found a church. It's great, we've been going for the past month and are really getting to know people and they are great. The pastor is a good man that really respects the Word of God and doesn't act like he knows everything and that we should never argue or disagree with him. We go to life group on Thursday night. Several couples get together and eat dinner and talk and have Bible study. When they ask me how my week went I really feel like they want to hear how my week went. It's been a long time since I have felt that way in church...really long. I'm really enjoying it.

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Alright! I'm finally on a site where I can blog. I have been trying to find a good site that I was comfortable with for months. Here it is!

I have just moved to Birmingham Al. I'm pretty sure we made some people mad when we chose Alabama over South Carolina. But we really felt like God was calling us here. Why? I'm not sure yet. We just found a Church in the area that we are really excited about going to. Having been burnt by several churches in the past 5 years it is nice to feel like we are somewhere that we can plug in and be useful while still being fed.

That may be why we are here; to recover from the last three years. I have to say that I am very tired. My husband and I graduated from college, got married two weeks later and two months after that moved 5 hours away from all that we had ever know. Friends, family, support groups...all gone. We were led to believe that those things would be there for us in our new town; they lied. Very long story short, we became what people wanted us to be. We did what we had to do to make people happy. I know that I lost myself in that process, if I even knew who I was to begin with.

Here we are now, no longer in ministry, no longer with people looking over us wanting us to be someone that we are not. No one is demanding anything from us, not really. Our jobs are hard work. They are challenging. But if we don't want them to be, we could step back. It's a calming feeling for me.

Do I ever want to be in ministry again?? hmm. That's a good question that I don't have the answer to right now. Currently, I'm really enjoying coming home, cooking dinner and cleaning house....well, the house cleaning is optional. :) I'm happy to spend time with my husband with out being stressed out about where we have to go and what we have to do next.

I'm figuring out who I am. I'm changing how I dress, how I do my hair and many other things. Maybe I'm just at that age. Maybe this is normal and I'm right on time. I don't know, but I'm feeling very liberated to be out from under the unrealistic expectations of the southern baptist churches that we were once apart of. I'm very excited to see the real me sneak through a little more each day.

I would like to introduce you to the new me...