getting back in the swing of things

I'm not very good at posting on these things. I want to, I mean to, I just don't. I am really trying to get better about it though.

I have so many things going through my head and my life. I am struggling with PCOS and can't seem to get better control of it. I want a baby so badly and it hurts so much I can barely stand the hurt. I don't know how to describe the pain that I feel in my heart. I go to church and there a 5 + women that are pregnant or holding babies in their arms. The children that I teach every day are the age that my child would be if I was able to get pregnant when we started. I would have a toddler right now. It's a painful thought. What would the baby look like? Would his/her eyes be brown or green? Would it be a boy or a girl? How much longer will I have to long with empty arms?


I've lost 20 pounds but can't seem to get the last 20 off. I'm stuck and I'm frustrated about it. PCOS is worse the more you weigh and so it means a lot to me to loose this weight. But life happens and I go to McDonald's instead of going home and eating the salad I know I should be eating. I feel guilty the whole time. I think to myself, if you really wanted a baby you wouldn't be doing this. You don't want a baby badly enough, because you would have one if you really meant it.


My mom is having health problems and that is making my life difficult. I am talking to her a lot more than normal. I love my mom, but have learned that less is more. I have found that they are disappointed in some of the choices that Brandon and I have made and they made that clear over the Christmas holidays. Merry freakin' Christmas. Stress is not good for people with PCOS either. It seems that nothing is.


It feels like the more I learn about PCOS the more that I have to give up. No chocolate, no caffeine, no sugar... the list goes on. As I continue to eliminate things I gain hope only to loose it when I don't get pregnant...again. Why bother, I wonder. What am I doing all of this for? Will it really make a difference? So far I'm not seeing it. But then I think that it's my fault because I must not be doing it right. And the vicious cycle continues.


So, it's 2009 and I still have so much that I want to change. I guess that is normal but I'm tired of not being perfect... ;)

Courtney, can't wait to spend more time talking and helping each other grow! Maybe we can pick out a book when you come to visit? What do you think? :)